Once upon a time in a remote
island far, far away in the deep recesses of Hilbert Space, there lived
a boy called BoyBoy who was having a long history of problems with mathematics
in school. He also had a low self-esteem and just was not interested.
As a concerned parent, his mother, called MaMa, tried all sorts of ways
to encourage, coax, threaten, cajole him into performing in mathematics.
This included caning, buying him expensive toys, nagging, buying him his
favourite computer games, more nagging, bringing him to all the places he
longed to visit, even more nagging ... etc. And all these to no avail.
BoyBoy's mother even went up to the school to talk to the school maths teacher
Pierre Simon Lagrange XXIV, a recent 'A'-level graduate substitute teacher
with absolutely no teaching experience at all, and asked : "What is the
true secret of success in mathematics, O Wise and Erudite Teacher?". And
thus spake the inexperienced relief-teacher: "Every day eat one hundred
bulbs of garlic and one hundred bulbs of onions, look in the mirror and
repeat the phrase 'I love Maths' one hundred times." Upon hearing
this BoyBoy's mother was shocked and disillusioned. She was disappointed
at the school authorities for hiring an untrained teacher who uttered such
utter nonsense.
BoyBoy's mother decided to engage the services of a tutor. So she
called a tuition agency, who recommended a tutor called Issac Galois XIII.
This part-time tutor is an engineering graduate with some experience in
teaching and charged 10 cents per month. Of course, 5 cents commission
was due to the agency, at the expense of the tutor. BoyBoy's mother
asked the tutor: "What is the true secret of success in mathematics, O Wise
and Erudite Teacher?". And thus spake the part-time tutor: "Every
day eat one hundred bulbs of garlic and one hundred bulbs of onions, look
in the mirror and repeat the phrase 'I love Maths' one hundred times."
Upon hearing this BoyBoy's mother was infuriated and summarily sacked the
engineer. She still had to pay the 10 cents, of which 5 cents goes
to the agency.
Frustrated, BoyBoy's mother thought to herself: "I shan't trust these agencies
anymore. I shall look for a tutor myself." So she scoured the
newspapers and soon found a tutor by the name of Stephen Gauss IX, a mathematics
graduate with 1 year experience in teaching. This tutor charged $10
per month for a minimum of 12 months. A year and $120 later, BoyBoy
still had no progress in mathematics and BoyBoy's mother began to feel a
little panicky. So she asked the tutor: "What is the true secret of
success in mathematics, O Wise and Erudite Teacher?". And thus spake
the part-time tutor: "Every day eat one hundred bulbs of garlic and one
hundred bulbs of onions, look in the mirror and repeat the phrase 'I love
Maths' one hundred times." Upon hearing this BoyBoy's mother experienced
deja vu and decided to discontinue this tutor's services.
Now BoyBoy's mother was disappointed but she did not give up. She
asked among her friends for a recommendation and was soon referred to Leonhard
Archimedes V, a trained full-time tutor, graduate of the world-famous Camford
University with 10 years' teaching experience, charging $1000 per month
for a minimum of 5 years. This tutor gave BoyBoy copious amounts of
notes, summaries, tips, homework, past-year examination papers from the
top schools for practice, more homework, hands-on model making, more homework,
Internet explorations with Java-powered animations and 3D-VRML live demonstrations,
field trips to Mathematical places, creative visualisations, mind bending
exercises, IQ stretching exercises, more homework and vast array of demonstrations
with exotic gadgets, curious contraptions and other paraphernalia....
This really impressed BoyBoy's mother a lot. However at the end of
the 5 years, there was only marginal progress. And BoyBoy's mother
began to feel rather panicky and began to wonder if this tutor was holding
back any secrets. So she confronted this tutor asking: "What is the
true secret of success in mathematics, O Wise and Erudite Teacher?".
And thus spake the Camford-graduate tutor: "Every day eat one hundred bulbs
of garlic and one hundred bulbs of onions, look in the mirror and repeat
the phrase 'I love Maths' one hundred times."
Upon hearing this BoyBoy's mother was experienced cognitive dissonance.
However, since the tutor was from Camford and was charging $1000 per month,
he must know something, so reasoned BoyBoy's mother. Consequently she decided
to give this tutor the benefit of the doubt and try out his advice.
The next day after making BoyBoy eat the garlic and onions and recite the
'I love Maths' slogan as prescribed (much to BoyBoy's protest), BoyBoy's
mother bundled him to school. Then everybody avoided BoyBoy, even
his girl-friend of 9 years dumped him. The experience left him utterly
miserable.
BoyBoy, now in his late adolescent years, felt that enough was enough and
decided to assert his independence. He plucked up enough courage to
speak to his mother, saying "MaMa, I think I do not need you to look for
tutors for me anymore. I know the importance of being good at maths.
You need not worry about me. I shall look for Carl Hawking I, the Ultimate
Tutor myself." Incidentally Boyboy had learned about the Carl Hawking
I, the Ultimate Tutor from his web page in the Internet. A double
PhD from Stanvard University, three time Field's Medallist (mathematical
equivalent of Nobel Prize), the Ultimate Tutor had 100 years' experience
in teaching and had solved the Remand Hypothesis, Goldmine Conjecture and
proved the Quasi-contravariant K-27-Hyperbundle Global Chromatic Embedding
Theorem, all before the age of 12. Now he is meditating in some remote
mountain in the upper reaches of the Continuum.
Of course BoyBoy's mother was touched. On the other hand she was worried
as the journey into the Continuum was long and arduous and fraught with
dangers. However BoyBoy insisted on going. Boyboy's mother wanting
the best for her son, was faced with Hobson's choice. She packed lots of
water and rations, instant noodles, a portable stove, herbs, tonics and
ginseng before tearfully sending him away.
After crossing several oceans, traversing a few deserts, cutting through
a multitude of thick jungles, trekking along meandering rivers one after
another and trudging along through fields upon fields of snow, BoyBoy arrived
at the foot of the Continuum. Then he began his mile-long vertical
ascent of the Continuum. After reaching the summit, BoyBoy still had
to spend six months locating Carl Hawking I, the Ultimate Tutor's, by which
time BoyBoy was extremely exhausted, hungry, thirsty, bruised and scarred.
He plodded his way to greet the Ultimate Tutor, saying : "O Master, Ultimate
Tutor, I have long sought for thee and at last I have found thee. I pray
thee, tell me, what is the true secret of success in mathematics, O Wise
and Erudite Teacher?". The Master with a mile-long white beard, though
slightly annoyed by the interruption, was impressed by BoyBoy's sincerity.
And thus spake Carl Hawking I, the Ultimate Tutor: "My son, my dear son,
the time is not ripe for thee to receive the answer, for thine heart is
not yet purified. Go thou, wash my beard every day for ten years.".
Boyboy's heart sank but he did as he was told. Daily for the next
ten years Boyboy washed the Master's mile-long white beard, which was often
littered with yak excrement. Yet Boyboy endured the stench, being
so delighted to have found wisdom and true meaning in life. He also
noted that as he washed nearer the Master, there was another kind of smell
that somehow neutralised the odour of the yak excrement, but could not figure
out what it was. Also occasionally, BoyBoy overheard the Master mumbling
something from afar as he washed, but could not make out what it was.
All these added to the intrigue and stoked the flames of curiosity burning
in the young man's breast. And at the end of ten long years, BoyBoy,
a man by now, could not hide his urgency when he asked: "O Master, Ultimate
Tutor, I have religiously cleaned your beard for ten years daily without
fail and have purified my heart. Now I beseech thee, tell me, what
is the true secret of success in mathematics, O Wise and Erudite Teacher?".
And thus spake the Ultimate Tutor: "Every day eat one hundred bulbs of garlic
and one hundred bulbs of onions, look in the mirror and repeat the phrase
'I love Maths' one hundred times." Upon hearing this BoyBoy felt betrayed,
and protested : "But, O Master, that was what all my earlier tutors said.".
And thus replied the Ultimate Tutor : "If I said that in the beginning,
you wouldn't have believed me, would you?".
The Moral of the Story is: Every day eat one hundred bulbs of garlic and one hundred bulbs of onions, look in the mirror and repeat the phrase 'I love Maths' one hundred times AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE COVER YOUR MOUTH!
[Disclaimer: All names mentioned herein have been inversed to protect the guilty. Any semblance to real persons or parties is purely collinear.]