A guy decided to go to the brain transplant clinic to refreshen his supply
of brains.
The secretary informed him that they had three kinds of brains available at
that time.
Doctors' brains were going for $20 per ounce and lawyers' brains were getting
$30 per ounce.
And then there were mathematicians' brains which were currently fetching $1000
per ounce.
"A 1000 dollars an ounce!" he cried. "Why are they so expensive?"
"It takes more mathematicians to get an ounce of brains," she explained.
Kennst Du schon den neuesten Statistikerwitz?
Wahrscheinlich...
When I was a Math/Chem grad student at Princeton in 1973-74, there was a story
going around about a grad student.
This guy was always late. One day he stumbled into class late, saw seven problems
written on the
board, and wrote them down. As the week went on he began to panic:
the math department at Princeton is fiercely competitive, and here he was
unable to do most of a simple homework assignment! When the next class rolled
around he only had solved two of the problems, although he had a pretty good
idea of how to solve a third but not enough time to complete it.
When he dejectedly flung his partial assignment on the prof's desk, the prof
asked him "What's that?"
"The homework."
"What homework?"
Eventually it came out that what the prof had written on the board were
the seven most important unsolved problems in the field.
Dos leperos se encuentran, y uno de ellos lleva una copa.
"Oye, dónde has ganado esa copa?"
"En un concurso de matemáticas, de la forma más fácil. Nos preguntaron cuánto
son 7 y 7, dije 12, y quedé el tercero."
En un examen oral, un profesor pregunta :
"Por qué toma usted el valor absoluto de esa exponencial?"
El estudiante se da cuenta de su error, e intenta "arreglarlo": "Para que
sea mas positivo todavia."
Un ingeniero, un matemático y un físico se van a cazar ciervos.
Ven a uno, y el físico dispara primero, fallando a la derecha. Luego
dispara el ingeniero, fallando a la izquierda. Entonces le preguntan al
matemático que si va a disparar o no.
"No, para que? Prefiero interpolar."
Por qué las matemáticas son incompatibles con el sexo:
1) Si estás haciendo el amor con dos mujeres, y entonces entra otra en el
dormitorio, cuántas mujeres tienes?
Ninguna, después del divorcio.
2) Si tienes seis amantes y dos amigos, cuántas amantes tiene cada uno de
tus amigos?
Ninguna, obviamente.
3) Es tres un número impar?
Probablemente, pero a esta edad ya no importa.
4) Si una polla de 15 centímetros atrae a 10 mujeres, a cuántas atraerá una
de 30 centímetros?
Varios millones.
5) Si te vas a la cama 9 horas antes de levantarte, y tu esposa quiere hacer
el amor contigo durante dos horas,
cuánto tiempo dormirás?
Ocho horas y 50 minutos.
6) Si un fuerte chico con 25 años puede recoger 80 kilos de naranjas en una
hora, y una sana chica con 22 años puede recoger 65 cada hora, cuántos kilos
de naranjas recojen juntos?
Dependerá de lo espeso que sea el naranjal... si hay arbustillos, tendrás
que esperar a la tercera hora para que recojan
naranjas, y entonces estarán demasiado cansados para recoger 145 kilos por
hora.
En mitad de una conferencia de matemáticas, un tio levanta la mano y dice:
"Tengo un contraejemplo para ese teorema!"
A lo que el conferenciante responde : "No importa, tengo dos pruebas."
Mitten im mathematischen Vortrag erhebt einer der Anwesenden die Hand und
sagt: "Ich habe zu dem, was Sie hier erzählen, ein Gegenbeispiel!" Darauf
der Vortragende: "Egal, ich habe zwei Beweise!"
lim 3 = 8
w->oo
Da lim (8/n) = oo, folgt:
n->0
lim (Z/n) = N.
n->0
1
1
Wenn lim ---- = oo, wieviel ist
dann lim ---- ?
x->0 x²
x->0 x³
Lösung: ooo
Cómo puedes saber si tu novia es buena con las matemáticas ?
Examínala. Sustraela su ropa, súmala a tu dormitorio, divide sus piernas y
dale una buena raiz.
De qué curso de matemáticas se habla siempre en voz baja, y solo entre amigos
o personas de la mayor confianza ?
Matemáticas discretas.
Se abre el telon y se ven dos sistemas lineales incompatibles.
Como se llama la pelicula ?
Kramer contra Kramer.
97,3 % aller Statistiken sind frei erfunden!
Im Vatikan gibt es zwei Päpste pro Quadratkilometer.
THE STORY OF BABEL:
In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by the
Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
large numbers and prospered.
One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach
up as far as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical
edifice that was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up
they went ... until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of
paradox.
The following morning saw only rubble where there once was
a huge structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians
climbed out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed;
but when they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all surprises! they
could not understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They
all fought amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this
day the Topologists remain the original
Mathematicians.
A topologist walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, being a
number theorist, says,
"I'm sorry, but we don't serve topologists here."
The disgruntled topologist walks outside, but then gets an
idea and performs Dahn surgery upon herself.
She walks into the bar, and the bartender, who does not recognize her since
she is now a different
manifold, serves her a drink. However, the bartender thinks she looks familiar,
or at least locally similar, and asks,
"Aren't you that topologist that just came in here?"
To which she responds, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
5 von 4 Leuten haben Probleme mit Mathematik!
oder:
4 von 10 Leuten haben keine Ahnung von Statistik! Das sind fast 75 %!
Um Rekursion zu verstehen, muß man zunächst Rekursion verstehen.
Three Navaho women sit side by side on the ground. The first woman, who is
sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 140 pounds. The second woman,
who is sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 160 pounds. The third woman,
who weighs 300 pounds, is sitting on a hippopotamus skin.
What famous geometric theorem does this symbolize?
The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other
two hides.
Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A: Zorn's Lemon.
Philosophie ist ein Spiel mit Zielen, aber ohne Regeln.
Mathematik ist ein Spiel mit Regeln, aber ohne Ziele.
Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components.
"Die Nummer, die Sie gewählt haben, ist imaginär. Bitte drehen Sie Ihr Telefon
um 90 Grad und probieren Sie es erneut!"
UR 2 Good
2 Me
2 Be
4 Got
==
10
"You are too good
to me to be forgotten"
One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch:
My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight,
divide my time, and avoid multiplying.
Q:Can you prove Lagrange's Identity?
A: Are you kidding? It's really hard to prove the identity of someone who's
been dead for over 150 years!
If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with
all those lines crashing together!
Was ist schwarz-weiß und füllt die ganze Ebene?
Eine Piano-Kurve
"Fibonacci" ist keine Kurzform des italienischen Namens
F i bb ooo nnnnn aaaaaaaa ccccccccccccc ccccccccccccccccccccc iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
Some say the pope is the greatest cardinal.
But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor.
Frage: Wie oft kann man 7 von 83 abziehen, und was bleibt am Ende übrig?
Antwort: Man kann so oft wie man will 7 von 83 abziehen, und es bleibt jedesmal
76 über.
Wußtest Du, daß fast alle Menschen mehr Beine haben als der Durchschnitt?
87.166253% der Statistiken spielen eine Genauigkeit vor, die durch die angewandte
Methode nicht gerechtfertigt wird.
There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always
accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it, then
slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was
understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so
fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically
speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I
just make sure that I spend less time there."
Was antwortet ein Mathematiker, wenn man ihn fragt, ob er das Fenster offen
oder geschlossen haben möchte?
JA!
Wenn ein Mathematiker ein Fantasy-Buch schreibt - wären die Seitenzahlen
dann imaginäre Zahlen?